And then we woke up

For awhile now I have had this sinking feeling. I was hitting a wall when it came to writing. I couldn't paint like I used to. Anyone that knows me is well aware that I would pull out the acrylic's and go at it at the oddest hours. Or the long nights when I would type until my fingers ached and begged to be chopped off. Those nights when it was me and the glow of the screen bouncing on the white wall and casting this blue glow into the dark hallway.

But those days ended. I think a lot of it had to do with so much of my life coming to an end in Long Beach. It was oh god I have to grow up now. I can't write. I can't paint. I got to get a real job and push paper. I have to put what I know to work. I'm going to be a designer. I, I, I, I

Ages ago my good friend Jeannie used to say what happened recently counts as a moment. You know when you're around someone that holds a mirror directly at you and doesn't set it down when you say, "Stop." This weekend I not only had a good talk with myself, I had someone to respond and reply. The answers I was waiting to hear, I heard them. Loud and clear.

I was with this person when he fufilled one of his things to do before he died. So we were there at the Salton Sea. A place I had been on a school trip and had forgotten. But this time, ages away from school friends and the smell of rotting fish. I'm there. I'm taking pictures and for a moment - a split second it all makes sense. The things I've done, places I've been, people I've fallen in love with, and vice versa. It was a place he wanted to see but in return it became that place where I finally saw what was right in front of me.

A little later that night I was lying in bed and wondering about that moment when you wake up and you can't go back to sleep. That's where I am now. I finally woke up. The last year, possibly three years I have been sleeping or sleep walking at the very least. I had a moment like that a long time ago. Only that time I didn't like the person I was becoming. This time, it isn't so drastic. It's just having the direction and the time to go where I need to be.