everything you wanted to know

This past weekend we got back to painting. For the longest time, like writing, I had not painted. I didn't feel like I needed to paint like I didn't feel like I had anything to say. Everyone has something to say. So I woke up Sunday and just felt compelled to paint. This canvas was looking at me and begging to be put to use - I need to be attended to - it said. So there I was with the paints.

Where I've been is this place that I cannot describe. This is what happens when everyone around you pushes forward and attempts a life of normalcy. No one talks about how they really feel. Some of us still flounder from the idea that there is a missing puzzle piece. There is one less person at the table for holidays. In fact because of one person - there is now six empty places. And as the time passed even more holes. Until one day it's you and two other people. Everything comes from a can, nothing is really cooked, it's catered. And finally one day, it's just you. Alone. The last place you want to be.

You move forward. You take a job because it's a job. You make new friends. You meet new people. Dating is just another part of your life. You attempt to connect. You're laughing but it's only because you want to fit in. The conversations you sit through are only to feel like you're apart of something. You're tired. And then someone comes along and hears you. Really hears what you have to say.

This painting came from that place.

(On a unrelated note we are about to tackle a new writing challenge. At the same time we were painting something hit us. We had a complete idea of how we wanted to set the book on it's path. I'm thinking Antigone. At the same time I will be searching for a Research Assistant that I cannot afford but need to get this book going. I need someone that can somehow keep me motivated and at the same time keep an eye out because of this book. I think it would share the same themes but will somehow shove into another place. We'll see.)

A Picture Share!

validation

So we're writing again. So far, so good. I took a friend's advice and ran with it. For awhile I had nothing to say and stayed far away from writing. There were no notebooks or scraps of paper. I was stuck in that moment where I couldn't wait to be back in school and having to deal with all the drama within my personal life. I got married. I lost someone that was a significant part of my life. I like to think I've gained someone that could very well be the best thing to happen in my life in quite a long time. But that is still developing.

In the space of time since we left school we have somehow made a mess of things. It's not easy admitting defeat or saying, "I'm wrong." No one likes to admit the truth when it's well, the truth. Somewhere along the way we dragged our family and friends down this path. There are times we attempt to think there is an answer around the corner. Looking on the otherside for something shiney and new - we're constantly trying to get this one right. But we fail so many times.

So we're in this moment where we have this great story developing. We like where it is headed. At the same time what is around us is unraveling. The person you like to think could be with you for awhile is an island. And while no man is an island, this one is working really hard at it. At the same time there is another person we feel strongly for. It's going to be an interesting time. And that isn't a nice way of saying it will be bad. I know I'm ready to weather that but is he?

-DL

And then we woke up

For awhile now I have had this sinking feeling. I was hitting a wall when it came to writing. I couldn't paint like I used to. Anyone that knows me is well aware that I would pull out the acrylic's and go at it at the oddest hours. Or the long nights when I would type until my fingers ached and begged to be chopped off. Those nights when it was me and the glow of the screen bouncing on the white wall and casting this blue glow into the dark hallway.

But those days ended. I think a lot of it had to do with so much of my life coming to an end in Long Beach. It was oh god I have to grow up now. I can't write. I can't paint. I got to get a real job and push paper. I have to put what I know to work. I'm going to be a designer. I, I, I, I

Ages ago my good friend Jeannie used to say what happened recently counts as a moment. You know when you're around someone that holds a mirror directly at you and doesn't set it down when you say, "Stop." This weekend I not only had a good talk with myself, I had someone to respond and reply. The answers I was waiting to hear, I heard them. Loud and clear.

I was with this person when he fufilled one of his things to do before he died. So we were there at the Salton Sea. A place I had been on a school trip and had forgotten. But this time, ages away from school friends and the smell of rotting fish. I'm there. I'm taking pictures and for a moment - a split second it all makes sense. The things I've done, places I've been, people I've fallen in love with, and vice versa. It was a place he wanted to see but in return it became that place where I finally saw what was right in front of me.

A little later that night I was lying in bed and wondering about that moment when you wake up and you can't go back to sleep. That's where I am now. I finally woke up. The last year, possibly three years I have been sleeping or sleep walking at the very least. I had a moment like that a long time ago. Only that time I didn't like the person I was becoming. This time, it isn't so drastic. It's just having the direction and the time to go where I need to be.

The End of an Era

Not really.

Today we ended our time with Livejournal. It was bound to happen for lack of updates and/or we just didn't have anything to say that fit within the confines of the posting box. I feel it odd that I'm doing just that here when I swore I was done with the "internets" for a time. What I can say is this:

It just didn't feel right anymore.

I'd grown apart from the place I was when I first joined Livejournal. It gave a home for the last four years to my thoughts and feelings. It was a sad day when I deleted the link but left the journal to die out on its own.

It's onward and upward to better places. I feel there is something more out there. Getting out and experiencing what has to be offered outside my front door.

-Danielle